its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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