Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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