so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize