Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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