So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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