so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
