Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
