Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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