I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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