You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
