She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
