You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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