I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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