Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
