So drunk its hurt
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
