If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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