My sheets look like a crime scene.
zippers are such a cool invention
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
