I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
