Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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