I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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