I hope my margaritas pass through security.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize