please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
