you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
