I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
