he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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