What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
