Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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