i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
