Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
