Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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