Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
