I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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