awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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