just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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