this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
