it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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