Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Randomize
