The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
