fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Randomize
