There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Randomize
