I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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