Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
