fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
