She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Randomize
