Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
