They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize