He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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