I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
