.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
