Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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