maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
