I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
