Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
