Ambien. No doubt about it.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
