I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm getting married
To pizza
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
