You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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