And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
