Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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