i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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