your thong is hanging out like whoa
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
