Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
