My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
