She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
